Rules 5 – 10

  1. Learn to open cans without a can opener

Learn to open bottles without bottle openers; to open car doors without hands; to know without asking. Learn to be without well. Being with is too heavy and there isn’t enough room for carrying, because you carry everything. The better you exercise this power, the easier you travel. Some discreet examples: if you’d like to roll down the window, concentrate on rolling down the window. Concentrate thickly and don’t break concentration under three minutes. Get close, press through if you have to. If you’ve mastered the performance the window should come down almost liquefied.

  1. Don’t get too comfortable, maintain some discomfort

Fix your chair straight up; lose something underneath you; don’t let your sun visor down; sit on a hairbrush; keep your seat warmer high; etc. Hitchhiking should be fun and other adjectives but not comfortable. Distrust rides invested in keeping you so, it’s dangerous. A short list of times comfort has preceded death: being warmed by a fire before falling in it; dinner before learning the lover is in love with someone else; hospice; drowsiness before being bit by a vampire; confidence in the nude photograph before realizing it’s been sent to the wrong number; etc.

  1. Practice photographic memory

I don’t buy that only a fraction of individuals have the ability. A fraction may have the talent, but not the ability—anything can be practiced. Sketch regularly in your notebook, illustrate your entries. Photographs of hitchhiking are bizarre and leave little to the imagination. Half of hitchhiking, really, belongs to the imagination. Sketch your drivers if you want to remember they’ll all blend together by the end. Sketch the road the car interior images through sunroofs things behind you in the rearview mirror self-portraits lunar cycles atmospheric abnormalities gas stations dashboard gauges periodically etc.

  1. Don’t travel when Mercury is in retrograde


  1. Ask if your ride has done this before

Trust them less if they say yes. If they say no and you don’t believe them don’t go. Learn to turn casual chatter into an interrogation. If they ask if you’ve done this before laugh and change the subject clever, vaguely and somehow flirtatious. For example, “(Laughter) Have I (Laughter).” Or, “I like adventure,” and make sure to buckle your seatbelt.

  1. Be mysterious

Gods are mysterious and people don’t fuck with gods. Be a simultaneous attraction and threat it’ll keep you safe and maintain balance. Your ride will be interested and will know intuitively not to be too interested. You ride will know intuitively that you’re not accessible even though you’ve gotten in the car. Let no one rider take you all the way, have several. Say you’re going someplace you aren’t really going that’s really only on the way. Ask to be let out at places that don’t look like stops don’t smile when you ask. Don’t share with any ride your final destination. When you get close enough, walk.

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